If I could replace my self disgust with something useful
my thoughts and actions might align
If I could replace my own deceit with something truthful
the voice in my head might grow a spine
If I could remember to forget I’ll no longer need these masks
I can be proud of my true face
I’ll see beauty dutifull, performing thankless tasks
motivations falling in place

I wish I were dying is some romantic way
I wish I had a disease
I’d rather be dead than feel so pathetic
but I keep on living

Someday I’ll shut my fucking mouth and create something with my hands
be more of a man and less of a monster
An angry mob all playing God but they misunderstand
the creature is nameless, the name that is famous is the doctor
It might be nice to live a life of quiet desperation
but I have dreams in need of haunting
Got my kicks by throwing fits, doesn’t work in isolation
I’m used to getting what I want by screaming

I wish that I could just go away
I wish I could write my own funeral speech
see all my loved ones cry and pity me
but I keep on living

I need to ruminate on my shame like I need a bullet to my brain
but I can’t maintain this state of constant stasis
I am to blame for the pain that I cause
can’t complain when all meaning is lost
or explain away the trauma that I’ve brought
I am estranged and I’m at a loss
I’m a moral contortionist
Try to resist but I can’t forfeit a war within
Try to ignore it, toy with the torment but the horror never ends
I’m a horrible oracle with deplorable morals
trying to force my course with portable portals to be reborn immortal
I’m an unreliable narrator, such an unsavory savior
A traitor with a Christ complex and a way with ingrained behaviors
writing tricky scripture for vaguely familiar strangers
while my fate is laid out by ruthless toothless soothsayers
So maybe I’ll ruminate on my shame
Maybe I need a bullet to the brain
but it’s safe to say that my face and name will never be the same

I wish that I could know martyrdom
I wish that I were gone
I wish that I could just disappear
but I keep on living

When I finally rot away I know that I’ll be missed
When I grow my wings and halo
the Devil inside will blow me a kiss