Give my journals to gio give my notebooks to Lee give my unfinished poems to Cecilia throw my body into the Allegheny Give my banjo to Merissa give my first guitar to Chris Blake put my piano up at the boardwalk what remains of my brain in Codorus Lake Give Jan's mandolin to Isaac tell Tommy to call my mom give my family heirlooms to Qian hope my story will be told through these songs Give my books to Riley & Bran split my zines between Charlie and Tild give my comic book collection to Joe Miller let my spirit kiss your skin in the morning chill Give my punk vest to Cbecks give my one cool hat to Aydin give my zebra onsie to Tricia these matching tattoos stay here in my skin Give all of my records to Kasey give my DIY CD collection to Uncle Mike give my cassette tapes to Derek (Homeless Gospel Choir) sing my songs around the fire all damn night Give the art on my wall to Ben give my patches to my siblings to sew give my silly lighter collection to Sean Kelly and bury my heart in your own Give my dumpy vehicle to whoever needs it Give my motorcycle to Sam Human Give whatevers left of the chief to Kelsey spread my ashes as many places as you can give my photographs to my mother give the sentiments on alter to Bethany give all of my love notes to Heidi keep my memory in your pocket for safe keeping the rest of you will have to fight over my ipod, it's the best thing Ive got

Life was hell in our boring little town suburban purgatory with the strip malls all around but we made the best of it, we had to find our own fun nothin' to do but spend time with you with my best friends in a basement cracking up till the crack of dawn untainted imaginations making scenes to silly songs and we make our own movies as we began to write our own identities, age 15 I guess I always took for granted all the beauty that surrounds going to pretty boy or high rock or the lake outside of town and jumping from a rope swing into the cold unknown a big splash, a joyous scream, sweet 16 at the walmart parking lot or the rutters we would meet to smoke some week and just drive around our first taste of feeling free we knew all the songs by biggie small by heart with the volume dialed up in the chief, 17 first love it hit me hard, it nearly knocked me off my feet teens in heat, senior week, and an embrace so sweet I express how I feel through these mix CDs initials carved in a tree, 18 Those initials fade, I felt betrayed, and my heart began to break and the cancer took my grandmother, I couldn't help as she faded away the doctor offered me some pills, but I never got the prescription filled I don't know what depression means, I'm only 19 I finally made it out of our boring little town to find my independence, I was college bound everyone seemed so ignorant when I came back to visit compared to me, wise and educated at age 20

Oh friend of mine stay strong I know it all feels wrong but I swear you do belong friend of mine oh friend of mine, don't cry

I've been tryin' to love myself but all I can muster is shame I may never be granted forgiveness from all these people that I've caused pain I've been tryin' to quiet my brain so I can listen to my heart Goddamn it is hard but I'm trying to change Ive been tryin' to write this song for my entire life one to express this weight in my chest one to make you feel how I feel when I hear endless Mike if I can capture a feeling and you can relate we both my be granted relief It's hard to keep livin but it's worth it I believe I've been trying to learn and grow but it's easier said than done I wanna be a better person and make amends sometimes I'd like to be hurled directly into the sun my white knuckled fist is losing it's grip and when all is lost I can see the only hand you can hold is the hand that's empty

If I could replace my self disgust with something useful my thoughts and actions might align If I could replace my own deceit with something truthful the voice in my head might grow a spine If I could remember to forget I’ll no longer need these masks I can be proud of my true face I’ll see beauty dutifull, performing thankless tasks motivations falling in place I wish I were dying is some romantic way I wish I had a disease I’d rather be dead than feel so pathetic but I keep on living Someday I’ll shut my fucking mouth and create something with my hands be more of a man and less of a monster An angry mob all playing God but they misunderstand the creature is nameless, the name that is famous is the doctor It might be nice to live a life of quiet desperation but I have dreams in need of haunting Got my kicks by throwing fits, doesn’t work in isolation I’m used to getting what I want by screaming I wish that I could just go away I wish I could write my own funeral speech see all my loved ones cry and pity me but I keep on living I need to ruminate on my shame like I need a bullet to my brain but I can’t maintain this state of constant stasis I am to blame for the pain that I cause can’t complain when all meaning is lost or explain away the trauma that I’ve brought I am estranged and I’m at a loss I’m a moral contortionist Try to resist but I can’t forfeit a war within Try to ignore it, toy with the torment but the horror never ends I’m a horrible oracle with deplorable morals trying to force my course with portable portals to be reborn immortal I’m an unreliable narrator, such an unsavory savior A traitor with a Christ complex and a way with ingrained behaviors writing tricky scripture for vaguely familiar strangers while my fate is laid out by ruthless toothless soothsayers So maybe I’ll ruminate on my shame Maybe I need a bullet to the brain but it’s safe to say that my face and name will never be the same I wish that I could know martyrdom I wish that I were gone I wish that I could just disappear but I keep on living When I finally rot away I know that I’ll be missed When I grow my wings and halo the Devil inside will blow me a kiss

My spirits broken, my back is weak I can’t get out of bed, I can’t fall asleep I thought these thoughts might subside by now Tried to start a fire, the kindling smoked but my wood is rotten, I’m cold and broke and what’s left of these embers is fading fast Tried to take off runnin’ to ramble and roam Tried to find me a family, build me a home Tried to seek guidance, to ask for help but there’s no one else in this personal hell If I want salvation, I’ll have to find it myself When you fight yourself, someone’s bound to lose I blur a fine line with a bottle of booze drivin’ nails in my own coffin and clawin’ my way out Tried to find god down in the dirt when you fight yourself someone’s bound to get hurt I’m livin’ in the end times with no end in sight Tried to take off runnin’ to ramble and roam Tried to build me a family, find me a home Tried to seek guidance and ask for some help but there’s no one else in this personal hell If I’m ever gonna grow I’ll have to face myself I had my chance, I had my fun lost my way when I thought I’d won Livin’ in a prison of shame and ego and fear I thought the death of me might be a sweet release but all the people I’d leave gave me a reason to breathe There might be a light just around the bend What goes up must descend Tried to take this on all alone tried runnin’ away from my own shadow I made this bed in a personal hell If I want forgiveness from anyone else first, I’ll have to forgive myself There’s work to be done so much I must confront A bigger picture to see I must work within my reach There are goals beyond reward I must be striving towards If I ever want to help relieve the pain of anyone else I’ll have to live for more than myself

We had our kicks and we got our fix but some say that was bigger than this set no intention and we got our wish We Ain't Goin' Nowhere Ooo Wee Rock me High Tomorrows the day my bride's gonna come Ooo--eeeee we gonna fly down into that easy chair Big ideas and no idea how to do it but maybe we can see each other through it lay me down and put me to rest You Ain't Goin' Nowhere I can't go wrong with my brothers in song we will keep on keepin' on we might fade out but we ain't gone We Ain't Goin' Nowhere Our friends made it big and we all sing along when they play our favorite songs but as for us we just fade to dust we ain't goin' nowhere the years they came and the years they went we're keepin track by the number of fests lost all your money but you found a tent you ain't goin nowhere If I had it my way I would just fade away having already said what I had got to say and the songs they say it much better anyway but I ain't goin' nowhere